Counselor Conversations

"Let's say you wait until you're 40, and you have trouble getting pregnant, that can make someone really anxious. For someone who has given it a lot of thought at 37, you can move ahead and you can always press pause at some time. No one is saying you have to get pregnant next week."

Talking to a counselor really helped me in my decision process to become a solo mom. It made my thoughts clearer. It forced me to say all of my doubts aloud.

"The biggest thing is that I don't want to miss the opportunity to have my own biological child. I know it's something I would 100% regret if I am 45 and can't have a child." I told her.

"Well, I think that gives you your answer. There are a lot of women who are in denial. But you've been thinking about this for a long time. Why not move forward now?"

I thought about her question. Judgment was the first thing that came to my mind. It's not the path that anyone I know has taken. And I didn't know how I feel about a child growing up without a father, I deeply worried what that would do to a child emotionally. 

But at the same time, I also believed I could do it. My sister has really shown me what her day-to-day life is with a baby, and she has taught me that it's manageable. She thrived through her first year while her husband worked off hours and she basically balanced motherhood and working full time alone. It doesn't scare me as much as I thought it would now. It's familiar territory.

"Don't be scared away from something based on what people think. Times have changed. You are in amazingly good company of women doing this. I get at least 2-3 calls a week from single women, late 30s early 40s, that are pursuing this. I've even got calls from the daughters of friends of mine. It's almost always the same story. Most people would like to be doing this with a partner. It's just important that you feel confident that you'll have the right message for your child. This wasn't an accident, I wanted to do this, and people make all kinds of decisions. And then you focus on that excitement."

"I can understand your concern about a child not having a dad.. You lost your dad which is an enormous loss, you were young, but that's different than never having a dad. I would be optimistic that there will be someone that comes into your life that will love you and your child. He'll be dad material or he won't be part of your life. And if not, your child will not be alone, I've seen it first hand, extended family plays a big part in it. All those people will all provide a sense of family and it will be important for you to make the effort to foster those relationships."

"I know someone who froze her eggs at 35, married quickly and is really struggling in the marriage. It's not a strong marriage. She would have been better going ahead on her own, then finding the first decent person who came along, who seemed to fit the bill, and you know what, it's not great."

"If you do it alone, it's not going to be easy, but it's not easy either way. Having a child is stressful on a relationship going back and forth. And if you waited until you found a partner, it would be a relatively new relationship, where you don't have that kind of history built yet. I'm thinking about some of the single moms I've known, and it's kind of nice, there's nobody to tit for tat with."

She was making some really good points. And I knew logistically I could make it work, but it's the emotional side I was still working through.

"Listen Nicole, if you didn't have doubts, you'd be crazy. It's an enormous decision, it's a sign of a clear mind to say 'I have doubts.' Doubts don't mean don't do it. I don't hear any reason not to move forward. I understand doubts and caution. But I don't hear a compelling reason to halt it now. I do hear a lot of potential for regret and anxiety."

Regret was my biggest fear. I could envision myself 5 or 10 years down the road, without a child, wishing I had taken the opportunity when I had. And so, the day after this conversation, I purchased my donor sperm...

Don't be scared away from something based on what people think. Times have changed. You are in amazingly good company of women doing this