6 months since I started...

I'm entering the 7th month of trying for a baby. Yet, I haven't even tried to get pregnant yet. But I've finally made it to the most important step, my frozen embryo transfer.

In two weeks, I'll get the results for my personalized embryo transfer which hopefully gives me a 70% chance of a pregnancy. I will meet with my doctor and we'll pick a date for my transfer.

It's exciting, overwhelming, stress inducing, and scary. I'm feeling so many different emotions I can't just pick one. To date, I have spent $50,000 on IVF cycles, medications, and sperm. That's a lot of pressure on myself and bank account to make it work. Maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones whose first transfer sticks, and I'll be blessed with a beautiful healthy baby by the end of 2022. 

And if not, I know the tears will flow, as they have already so many times. I find myself wishing so many things. I wish my primary doctor encouraged me to get my fertility checked at a younger age. I wish I hadn't ended up having to pay out of pocket to have a baby when millions of people seem to get pregnant just by looking at each other. I wish I found a partner to go through this stage of life with. I wish time wasn't going so fast. 

Up until now, I've been going through the checklist. Buy sperm, check. Needle up, check. Wait for results, check. The next big check is the culminating event. It will be a day filled with nerves. It's a strange feeling doing so much work towards something not knowing what the outcome will be. How it could drastically change my life.

I didn't know the point of this post when I started writing, I just knew I had to try and process where I am at. I still can't pinpoint a feeling and I think that is ok for now...